What makes you happy? It's
a simple question, yet it still feels so complex.
Recently, I have been going
to counseling for self- revelation and answers; Answers to questions such as
what makes me happy, because it's a question I have been unable to answer.
Often the term therapy is taboo, because society today looks
at an individual as if there may be something wrong with them for needing to go
to therapy. I suffer from pretty severe anxiety. I used to think my anxiety was
something small, like most people face day to day. However, as I get older the
more and more I realize how I struggle with it. It's relieving to have someone
to talk to who is unbiased, is unaware of the people in my life and does not
know firsthand the situations that I deal with. I find so much closure on
issues that I never thought I would be able to close the door to, relief on
matters that had once been consuming me, and answers to underlying fears or
situations that I hide from.
I often run from things deeper
within myself that I need to fix and focus on the surface area of issues that
allow me to build walls; walls that allow me to ignore what really restricts me
in my life, what really affects my relationships with others and what holds me
back from truly enjoying the life that I am blessed to live.
I have goals; goals to
persevere and to succeed. I have goals to control my anxiety overall, to be
able to let go of the need to have control in every aspect of my life and to
truly just be happy with who I am and who I am becoming.
Keeping a journal and
blogging help me admit a hidden truth that I have ignored, allows me to find
personal growth, and encourages me to take necessary steps to reach the goals
that I set for myself.
Today I signed up for a gym
membership (the second one I've signed up for, I may add. The first gym I went
only three times and somehow managed to never make it back). It was an
important step to assuring myself that I have every possible resource it takes
to reach my goals of personal health and physical strength; because
strengthening the body strengthens the mind. And anyone with anxiety knows that
a positive and strong mindset is what we desire and need, but
we are often clouded by negativity. I also started a diet
today, which my boyfriend teases me that I have been saying this every Monday for months now. This
is also true. I often aim to start a lot of things on Mondays and that
motivation seems to always slip through my fingers. In N Out is just that good. So we will see how this one
goes.
I just woke up one morning
and wondered when I would grow tired of beating myself up and tearing myself
down when ultimately I should be building myself up and patching up
self-inflicted wounds that I create with the anxiety that I allow to control
me. My brain feeds on the negativity that I allow to surround
me and the weaknesses that I fall victim to.
It starts with learning how
to love myself. By nourishing my soul and my mind with positive thoughts,
healthy habits, uplifting people, kindness and love. In exchange, I aim to
achieve serenity, solitude, peace, acceptance, love and happiness.
So many things and genuine
people in my life make me happy, but in order to spread happiness to others, I
need to learn what makes me happy so I can rely on myself when
I am at an all time low.
